Adjusting is difficult. Creating new patterns, learning new things, meeting new people, and doing all of it while still trying to hold onto a positive attitude and a decent mindset.
I have always enjoyed the freedom of doing what I want, when I want to do it. In practice that meant my day mostly started at 12pm. Now I have to be settled in by 8:30, and my commute is forty minutes, which means being up by 6:00. To manage that I need to be asleep by 10, otherwise I am exhausted and moody for the entire day.
In the past, when I had something that needed me to be up early, it was never hard. I knew it was just for that day, or at worst that week. This is different. This time I have to rearrange my entire life so that it fits around the pattern, and there is no end date where I get to go back to how I like doing things.
…
Today I was late. I walked into class at 8:25, and I had a few things I needed to ask about because I had missed roughly six days.
So I turned to one of the ladies next to me. Pretty, might I add. I asked for the notes and for anything important they had been told while I was away. She seemed annoyed, like I was asking for something obvious. And I get it. To her it probably was obvious, because she knows what is expected here. But I am coming back into formal school about seven years later, and the Rwandan education system is completely different from what I know. So I looked at her and explained that I am an international student. I do not know what CAT is and all those acronyms that are being used… I do not know about this booklet everybody keeps mentioning.
I think this is where missing orientation really costs you. Not necessarily the ceremony… I hate being in large groups talking about nothing anyways, but the campus vocabulary, the expectations, KPIs, some benefits and all those things that are not in the brochure. Everyone else got handed the words and I did not. I mean, I will catch up, but right now I am translating in real time.
At some point I showed her my equivalence certificate. I have honestly forgotten how we got there, but I know it had to do with the grading system and me trying to understand how it works. Instead of looking at the grades, she asked, "Oh, how old are you?" I said 28.
I cannot get the horror on her face out of my head. If I had to guess, she is 17 or 18. I do not think she is 20 yet. So I understand the reaction, I am a decade older than her. I just did not understand what any of that had to do with the question I had asked.
Then it got worse. I cannot quite pin down what was going through her head. But a few seconds later she asked if I was married and had decided to upgrade. First of all, that is a very personal question to ask someone you have known for about four minutes. Second, why are we here, when all I wanted to know was what I missed in the first week.
Although, now that I have thought about it longer, I know the way things are done differs between our two generations. Maybe she was trying to work out who she was talking to so she could pitch the information in a way I would understand.
I told her I was not married and no, I was not upgrading anything. I am starting at first year, the same as someone coming straight from high school. The shock. She asked why I decided to go back to school instead of getting married. I was starting to get annoyed. Why is someone that young so hung up on marriage? I did not respond. Then she said, "the older generation loved marriage, and I'm glad you chose to continue school."
I felt embarrassed and offended at the same time. I did not say anything about it. I just said "thank you," and moved to a different seat.
The whole thing took ten minutes. I know because the next time I looked up, the lecturer was telling us to put our phones away, and it was 8:34.
I have been thinking about that interaction the whole morning… just can’t shake it off. Yes, I am a single 28 year old who decided to go back to school and start at first year. I know that. The only other time my age has been put in front of me like that was when I was rejected for being too old.
That one made me feel bad. It made me feel like a dinosaur. It was humiliating to even think about, and it hurt enough that I just let it go. You know that thing you do when you do not want to think about something? The thought comes, and you immediately start singing, or saying something out loud that you are not even listening to, purely so you do not have to hear your own mind? That is what I did. Over and over, until I was not thinking about it anymore.
Why am I not married? I don’t know. Same way I haven’t yet been able to obtain my degree, I guess. I just haven’t been fortunate enough. Maybe someday I will.
My journey is not linear. It is not the traditional, obvious route. I know that, and most of the time I work with it rather than against it.
But sometimes, like today, I just feel out of place, and it is so... I do not know. And sometimes, like today, I feel the loneliness in my life because the need to talk to someone, maybe not about this per se but to just do something that would make me feel better, feel a bit validated and maybe well… I wish I had such friends, family, and people in general to share with… to talk to and to I don’t know, just do life with. Times like this, Ndimasilila.
I am writing this so maybe I can think it through, process it, and let it go.
Because tomorrow, we go again.